There are some evenings when I swear you areabout to burst into tears. What's gone wrong?"I didn't know what to say. If I denied everything Marsha would know Iwas lying. If I tried to make something up she'd figure that out and ifI told her the truth, well I just couldn't face the thought of whatwould happen then.We sat quietly for a few minutes. "It's just some memories haunting me. It's nothing Marsha. It will pass."Marsha leaned against me and put her arm over my shoulder. "I can't letit pass. When I see you like this it hurts me."I started to cry. I was frightened of losing Marsha; I was lonely insideeven though I was with my best friend and lover. I was confused andunsure of what to say. Finally after my sobbing calmed down I got upwashed my face and sat down across from the couch and look at Marsha. Itook a deep breath, made a few false starts and told her of my crossdressing. I told her of hiding it in high school and at the artconservatory where I studied glass work. I told. I’d ruined his clothes. It was impossible to know the second-order effects – just how badly he’d take it, and just how many metaphorical sharks would circle him, having seen a moment of weakness.I just could not shake the feeling that he deserved some of that, though. Still, I’d had no right. I’d committed a crime against his person. Again, though, I hadn’t changed his mind. I hadn’t violated him in that specific way.In the end, I scored it as a five. He’d suffered in a multitude of ways because I’d effectively poisoned him. In mitigation, I could claim that I’d been acting in defense of another, albeit misguidedly. However, what had my motives been in defending her? Had they been pure, or had I already been lusting after her?The more I thought, the shakier all of these numbers seemed. I wasn’t sure I was making much progress after all.When I moved on to consider Harold, I couldn’t even be sure I was continuing this farcical self-imposed tribunal for any other reason than to make.
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